When your therapist becomes more like your friend?
July 19, 2012 at 4:03 am 15 comments
Ok. I need advice from my readers. I am very confused. Here is why.
I saw a therapist for four and a half years. During that time an awful lot of things occurred. In the first year, we were raped, she came to the sexual assault and trauma unit with us when we were being tested for STD’s, we were put in patient a number of times, each time she would come to see us while we were in there, there was cutting in session, there was an incident where a little insider tried to climb out of her window of her office, so yeah a lot of stuff. She was really helpful and didnt freak on us and she was really good to come see us in the hospital and take us to the trauma unit. O yeah and, she also went to the police with us when cult people were all over us trying to get us to go back, and one night we were attacked walking home from the local library and she went with us to report that incident, on a Friday evening, when she should have been with her family.
So why am I confused? Dont get me wrong, I am grateful to her. I am sorry the theraputic relationship went so wrong. I miss her.
But here is the thing. Some of the things she did, well, I can see now they werent really ethical. For instance if we came and were doing badly, she would offer to take us out for coffee or food, and we did do this on numerous occasions. She also took us for rides in her soft top car, and to the movies amongst other things. She bought our littles toys, she took us out on our birthday, she let us meet three of her kids.
She would answwer emails between sessions, she would answer and let us text her, she always called us back too. Does this sound wrong? Has anyone got a therapist or had a therapist who did any of these things? If you dont would you allow them to do these things? Would it send up red flags?
She didnt harm us in any way, but I guess it kinda is harming us now. We are totally confused and something our new trauma therapist said stays with me. She said…
So you didnt know if you had a therapist or a friend?
And its true we didnt. We really didnt know. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
Carol anne
Entry filed under: Alters, Boundaries, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Ethics, Switching, Therapist, Therapy, Therapy issues, Trauma, Trauma work. Tags: Alters, Boundaries, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Ethics, Switching, Therapist, Therapy, Therapy issues, Trauma, Trauma work.
Living plural
1.
vwoopvwoop | July 19, 2012 at 4:08 am
It sounds like she cared about you all so much she lost the ability to be professional. She had a savior complex and wanted to involve herself in your recovery from every angle, to the point where her helping you actually started to define her self-worth. It was all meant in a loving way, it wasn’t evil or anything, it was just unprofessional. The line between therapist and friend was crossed a lot, and that was probably really confusing to you AND to her. It’s too bad, because she obviously cared, she just wasn’t able to stay in her role.
Sorry this happened.
2.
starclub1 | July 19, 2012 at 4:27 am
She most definitely cared. I do believe she cared too much. Another example is she went to disneyworld in Paris, and she was writing to us from her hotel room, she had an iphone and got her email to there, she did do a lot for us and for that I will always be grateful. Thank you for your comments Vwoopvwoop!
3.
horrifiedinhiding | July 19, 2012 at 4:18 am
There are people who are like case workers who do this type of social work/therapy. I think each therapist is different.
4.
starclub1 | July 19, 2012 at 4:28 am
She wasnt a social worker, she had over 20 years experience. But she hadnt ever worked with someone with did. We were her first did client.
5.
horrifiedinhiding | July 19, 2012 at 5:32 am
That is kind of strange. Did she ever say why she was spending so much time with you outside of the therapy sessions?
6.
twcrew | July 19, 2012 at 4:54 am
After hours stuff for crisis, like your hospitalizations and assaults, and between session communication are something that varies a lot therp to therp and for each client.
Going out of the office for road trips and meals, etc, can be a part of community re-integration type work. But thats not what this sounds like from your description. That is where I see the line being crossed into a dual relationship.
7.
starclub1 | July 19, 2012 at 5:27 am
I do think it was a dual relationship. Back in 2007 2008 we were not very stable. So we didnt see it back then. She would always say how she did things for us that she never did for any of her other clients, which made us feel really guilty.
Carol anne
8.
starclub1 | July 19, 2012 at 5:35 am
No all she said was our needs were different to her other clients, more complex. Which is true, they are, but still. A line was definitely crossed.
9.
Bourbon | July 19, 2012 at 10:38 am
I guess it comes down to what you are comfortable with. I had a mentor who would do things like come to the GP with me following an overdose, take my medication away and store it in her cupboard… and I know of things she did for other people too… taking them to sexual health clinics, buying them food, calling them from her home… I guess the difference is now I don’t see this mentor as a mentor but I still see her as a friend. We still are in touch and go out for a drink every now and again.
It sounds like it’s left you to be terribly confused… how did it break down? I think people with a history of trauma can be sensitive to having their personal space invaded and it sounds like perhaps that is what has happened here. You don’t know where the therapy ended and a friendship began. You don’t know where she ended and you began.
It sounds like this new therapist will be good for you. It sounds like she is aware that she needs to maintain those professional boundaries much better.
10.
starclub1 | July 19, 2012 at 11:45 am
Yes I agree. I need a therapist who is professional. I actually have two therapists. P is the trauma therapist and Coleen is our other therapist. We see each one once a week but we are working on different issues with each therapist. They both are aware of each other so there able to discuss our case with one another. It is true I didnt know with Joan where the friendship began and the therapist role ended. It was totally confusing. I alway s thot I was just very needy and stuff. Now I know it wasnt all entirely our fault. I always thot we were to blame. I will let Liz talk about the ending in another post, she is the one who really ended it for all of us.
Carol anne
11.
Bourbon | July 19, 2012 at 6:56 pm
No it sounds like it totally wasn’t entirely your fault at all. I didnt realise you had two therapists. That sounds positive especially as they are working with each other I look forward to hearing about what happened from Liz.
12.
Ann | July 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm
Hi Carol. Not sure how long we have because we are waiting for our son for lunch and on cell phone. But,i wanted to comment on this post. The way we receive therapy from a psychiatrist your last T would be considered very impropriate. E have ben groomed to think anything personal about t was outside the boundaries. Same with no touching. Ts are different. I feel easy to trust t with no personal agenda and clear roles. That way when were not on track we know exactly where we stand. It seems your new t might se it this way too.
13.
starclub1 | July 19, 2012 at 6:23 pm
Yes Ann totally agree with you I do think this new t will be a good fit for us
14.
mm172001 | July 19, 2012 at 11:38 pm
It sounds like she really cares thanks for the reply I have been going through a lot of some what similar issues with my case manger. I have been seeing her for about 5 years, weekly for most of it. I got assigned to her when I started having multiple hospitalizations. Since I am with Kaiser a big heath care network she isn’t allowed to visit me in the hospital or meet outside the office/clinic unless she get’s permission from her boss. I went through disability during this time and some other serious stuff I’m not ready to talk about and she is the only person that knows most of it. Over time boundary lines have been blurry not as you listed because there is so many restrictions with her working for Kaiser. But she gave me her direct office line which patients aren’t really suppose to have. She always makes sure to get back to me by the end of the day because she worries about me, seriously not just like it’s her job. She did give me a present for my birthday. She lets me ‘run over’ session into her lunch time if I need it and will always make room for an appointment if I need to be seen, even if it means staying late. She talks about her personal life, which she’s not really suppose to do but more so to relate things going on in my life. I don’t mind the majority of the time, actually it makes me feel special and like someone truly cares about me not just another patient. But occasionally it can get tricky and I know what you mean, but how mine runs I’m okay for the most part and we just in the last month set some more clearer rules. As with your situation I can’t really tell because being private (I’m assuming) the rules are different although things like letting you meet her kids is over the line. Sorry kind of long reply.
15.
starclub1 | July 20, 2012 at 7:47 am
It sounds like she really cares. I am glad you have her. Thanks for the reply hon xo